I was on my way to work on a day where emotions were as thick as the haze and humidity. It's September 11th, 2013. And for reasons too numerous to begin, I won't say anymore about that. I was almost at the subway station when I received a text from my mother. It read "Good morning sweetheart. Did you hear that **** died last night?" I stopped moving and stared at the screen... Shock... He died!?... Relief... But how?!... Curiosity.
Before I go any further I should fill you in on who this person is hidden behind the asterisks. He was the youngest of 5 boys. He dropped out of high school and never became much of anything. Always blaming others for the way he was; it was his brothers fault for his disinterest in school because they never helped him fit in or study. It was his parents fault for his childhood and adult obesity and subsequent conditions. It was the city's fault for his consistent unemployment. No, he was never one to take responsibility for himself. This was true even when we showed him irrefutable evidence that he was responsible for committing crimes against my family. I chose not to use his name because it really doesn't matter what his name is. What matters is the story.
Although I was initially shocked at his passing, (He was young by most standards, 45...usually scummy good-for-nothing types live forever) I was kind of relieved I'd never have to run into him around town ever again. And for that, I feel slight guilt. This guilt has followed me around all day in the muck of the heat and heavy sadness that looms over this city every year in early September.
I spoke to a friend and she said that I shouldn't feel guilty because he was the one who had done something wrong. And the fact that I even felt guilty at all meant I wasn't as indifferent as I thought because I'm kind of incapable of being indifferent to anyone, even him.
This guy was scum. He was pathetic. He was a waste of everything life had to offer. But he was someone's son and brother. And his passing is something I will think about over the next few days. And perhaps he will be of more service in death than in life.
Today, I'm thankful for the lessons.
Sometimes life has a way of teaching us things even though we may be unaware there is even a lesson. Usually those are the most valuable lessons of all.
ReplyDeleteEric, I agree. Maybe I'll figure this one out soon.
DeleteThis turn of events seems fitting for the tone that took over the city during this annual day of remembrance. Heavy. And contemplative. Perhaps he's in a better position now, to be kinder to himself and those around him.
ReplyDeleteJulia, I think he's in a better position for sure. Nothing he did showed his appreciation for life. Perhaps that's one of the lessons he left behind; do something everyday to shows you want to be on this planet.
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